Week 37-May cause blurred vision

Today I woke up and I knew I need to make some unexpected changes in my life in order to deal with my MS. I have made other changes in order to function but I am to the point where I need to make changes to live. For two weeks I have suffered with vertigo and once again loss of sight in my left due to optic neuritis. I did my best to deal with it but dealing wasn’t enough. I went back in for another MRI and three new lesions were found. Instead of a hospital stay I was allowed to stay home and take 30 pills a a time on top of my other medications for three days. I am not a pill popper so that was quite a task I will tell you. The side effects of the steroids increased the side effects of my other meds and I have been one hot mess, literally as one of the side effects makes my skin hot and turn red. It is a good thing red is my color. I started prednisone on Monday to help with the symptoms. It’s funny I am losing my sight and the first side effect “may cause blurred vision”. The truth is I am losing my sight. I was told once again that the damage to my left optic nerve is not reversible and I could be legally blind in my left eye within a years’ time. I am a very visual person as a crafter. The thought of having my eye taken from me is something I am having a hard time with. I thought I could deal with it better but how do you deal with something like this? Not only will I lose my sight but I have to relearn how to live to deal with it. My job is not one that I will be able to do with one eye. Driving isn’t something that you should do with one eye. I live in a second floor apartment. I live with my daughter now but she won’t always be there. I know I will come up with a game plan and be ready for when this happens. But I am pissed now, Maybe I am wrong to be sad and angry since I will only lose one eye instead of both, like I should be grateful. But I am angry because there is nothing that I could have done to prevent this. This disease just takes what it wants and I try to do what I can to deal with it. I did everything I could to prevent my symptoms from coming back or getting worse but it isn’t working. So I have to find another way. Maybe if I get angry at the disease for a while that approach will work. There is nothing quite like a woman on steroids mad at her own body. But I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to be sad. I just want to be at peace in my skin again.

35 weeks-Are you scared?

Are you scared? I guess in the past seven months I haven’t really thought much about that question until my father asked me yesterday. I have been trying to stay positive and focus on dealing with all the changes in my life. I am not sure I would use fear to explain how I feel about the things I am going through, I would use indifferent. At 35 weeks of symptoms with little signs of slowing I think feeling indifferent is reasonable. I think there is little reason to be afraid or angry at this point. The past few weeks have been less then pleasant but I have found ways to deal with them the best I can. Humor and hugs seem to help. Somedays I just have to give in to being tired and rest. Other days I need to keep busy even when I am tired. The only thing I am truly afraid of at this point is losing the ability to do the things that give me escape from all this. I haven’t been able to go to the gym in a few weeks. But I was able to go for short walks and I had my crafting. That helped to keep me occupied during this rough patch but now my hands are starting to fail me a bit. I just don’t know what I would do if I lost my hands rights now. But I can’t focus on that. I am working through it and believing that this is just temporary. Before I know it I will be back on the treadmill and my hands will be what they were. I have to believe that.