My daughters interview me

The girls decided that they wanted to write this week’s blog and it should be an interview, I am their subject. Please forgive the insanity.

Kai: Oh hey hi this is Kai Bug, I am nine and me and my sister Choo are going to interview our mom, Jennifer, who goes my JJ or mom or Jen, but never Jenny unless you are her direct family or she likes you. She is pretty picky about liking people.

Choo: Are you going to talk the whole time?

Kai: No but it was my idea! Okay. So mom you just had your birthday do you feel old?

Me: Not right now I have coffee.

Choo: Do you think you drink more coffee or alcohol.

Kai: Choo that isn’t an appropriate interview question.

Choo: It’s a good question. She should answer it.

Me: I guess it depends.

Choo: Who is better Justin Beiber or Nick Jonas.

Me: Nick Jonas only because I don’t like JB.

Kai: I thought we took that question out.

Choo: No we said we would take the clown question out.

Kai: I am putting it back in. Mom why do you hate clowns?

Me: They are evil.

Kai: What did they ever do to you?

Me: They exist and they shouldn’t.

Kai: So what are your thoughts on mimes then? Who doesn’t like a mime?

Me: Normal people don’t like mimes.

Choo: I have to agree with mom. Why would you pretend to be in a box?

Kai: Imagination Choo!

Choo: I can think of better ways to spend my time. Mom what did you want to be when you grew up?

Me: A writer.

Choo: You kind of write but you are no Dr. Suess.

Me: Nope I am not. He rhymes much better.

Choo: You make better grocery lists.

Me: Thanks

Choo: If you could be any animal what would you be?

Me: A Sea Gull. I’d like to hang out on the beach all day.

Kai: I think you just want to poop on people.

Choo: I think so too. I would.

Me: I wouldn’t poop on people, maybe their cars.

Kai: Are you really in love with Ryan Reynolds?

Me: I do love to look at him.

Kai: Ew he’s younger then you!

Choo: Everyone is younger than her now.

Me: Thanks you two. And he isn’t that much younger than me.

Kai: But he is still younger. What is your best memory?

Me: I have a lot of them. I would say when we are all laughing together at the dinner table.

Choo: Like when we talked about the Albanian foot worm?

Me: I don’t recall laughing about the foot worms.

Kai: It was a good conversation.

Me: It was not appropriate for the table.

Kai: Are we ever going to go to Disney?

Me: Is that an interview question?

Kai: Just want to know.

Me: Ask your father.

Kai: Can I have a rat?

Me: I think this interview is over.

Kai: In closing. My mom drinks too much coffee, hates clowns and Justin Beiber, wants to be a bird who write and won’t buy me a rat. Thank you.

Choo: You forgot to put Ryan Reynolds in there.

Kai: She is too old for him and she’s married.

Choo: Yeah dad might not like that.

The End

My tale of the cart boy, an Ode to Ray

I made a wager with my friend Ray to write a diddy about “What Ray doesn’t know about women”. The truth is Ray knows quite a great deal about women and is a prince among his sex. The irony was the day this wager was made I had a run in with a cart boy that made me realize some men really don’t know a damn thing about women at all.

There I was at Meijers picking up some items needed for the evening. I pushed my cart to my car and began to load my items into the trunk when I felt someone beside me. He was a young man maybe early 20’s based on the bar stamps on his hands with Justin Bieber hair, acne and oh so attractive safety orange vest. It wasn’t until that moment when pointed at my mouth and gave me a devious little smile that I realized I had been holding my key fob between my lips as I loaded the car. As I removed the key the cart boy began to speak:

“You shouldn’t put things like that in a mouth like yours. I could give you a few lessons of what you could do with that mouth. You might like them better.”

I don’t shock easily but this took me by surprise. There I am looking into the face of a boy I could have mothered and he said something like that to me while in his work uniform in the parking lot of a grocery store at 5 PM in the evening.

At this point my mind is spinning. I could hit him I was justified. I could go in and tell his boss and get his ass fired. I could just drive away. But no, being me I spoke without really thinking at all.

“What the F***. Do you know what I would do to your mouth little man? Wash it out with soap. Take your damn cart and get out of here.” I pushed the cart towards his crotch and then there was more use of the F word as I got into my car and forced myself not to run him over as I left.

I wonder if men every really think about what comes out of their mouths when they speak to women. What would make you think it was okay to tell a woman what you were going to do with her mouth before you actually knew if she was into that sort of thing. And really, what the hell would you want with a woman who actually liked that sort of thing when you first meet?

This whole experience took me back to when I was in college and this horrible cheesy asshole used to hit on every woman in the bar hoping someone was stupid enough to fall for his lines. When it was my turn he came up to me and said:

“You know I am studying life guarding right now. I could show you my mouth to mouth skills”  

Call me old fashion but I would like to be told I have a nice smile rather then I have a mouth for porn. Gents choose your words carefully not everything that sounds clever in your head should escape your tongue. If you don’t want a cart in the crotch, you may want to watch your mouth.

Motherhood, no assembly required

As a mother the first time you hold your baby there is a sense of aw that cannot be rivaled. It doesn’t matter if you carried the child in your womb or adopted, that moment is the same. This is your child and you are from this day forward responsible for everything that happens to them. In that moment you are equipped with your mommy armor(which FYI, is not vomit, urine or poop proof) , that unseen super hero cape, the ability to see from behind your head, hear things that no other being on earth can hear, and the love of noodle art, from the macaroni mosaics to the penne pasta necklaces. Thus your journey into motherhood begins.

Motherhood. It is the something you are never truly prepared for no matter how many books you read, or how much advice every woman who came before you tries to give you. The only sound advice I ever heard and held true is: Go in with an open heart and open mind and you will be just fine.

But I was suckered into reading some of those parenting books while I was pregnant. Nowhere in any of those books do they prepare you for your two hour old infant peeing your hair. Your three year old cutting off her hair and all the hair of her dolls as her dad sleeps. Your toddler daughter corn on the cob and beef ribs off the bone, when she has no teeth.

Nor did they tell you how to cope when one of your children was broken and you weren’t able to fix her with a smile or a hug. Or how it felt when you saw her hear certain sounds for the first time in her life. It was almost like that feeling of aw when I first held her, words just can’t describe it.

As mothers we cry, we laugh, we tease, we taunt, we post awkward things on Facebook, and humiliate on Twitter. We yell, we scream, we are terrified when we aren’t certain of things, but we love. And we love with every ounce of our being no matter what our children do. It is the blessing and the curse that we take on without any hesitation to no fault of our own.

There is no manual to real motherhood. No istructions on how to assemble the perfect kids. We live each day knowing we are doing good things for them and occasionally they will tell us. When they are not calling us giant poopy heads and refusing to eat dinner. You won't find a chapter in that in many books either! 

Best wishes to all the moms out there.