Week seven - Living with MS

By week seven of this flare I almost feel like my symptoms are a normal part of my life. I am starting to get in a routine on how to manage most of my obstacles. This week my doctor helped me to look at ways of managing the anxiety and depression that go along with MS. She told me that I was one of the strongest women she had ever met and it was okay to ask for help. Being on my own now I feel like I have to be completely independent but there are things I just can’t do on my own. Dealing with the emotional part of the disease is one of them. I start with a new counsellor next week, one that has experience in dealing with those who have long term illnesses. I think I am on the right path so that I can keep my spirits up no matter what may happen. In the past few weeks I have felt down about things outside of this disease and I let it affect my healing. I can’t let the actions of others take away from my wellbeing. I decided to relinquish their power over me and I am a better person for it. It is funny though how people handle finding out you have MS. Last week I was set up on a coffee date with a friend of a friend. He knew my situation before we met, he saw a picture of me with her and he asked who I was and she told him about me. She only told him about the MS because of the issues with my speech and didn’t want him to be caught off guard if I was having a not so good speaking day. We met at the counter and we got our coffee then went to a table by the window. The conversation was pleasant we laughed and found we had a lot in common. About twenty five minutes into it he looks at me and says “I am going to stop right here, I just think I have time for a special needs woman in my life.” What the hell? It was just coffee and he was the one that asked me out. He then went on and acted put off like I had just stolen twenty five minutes of his life. I finally just stood up and said “I understand how you feel, I only have time for one asshole in my life right. Thanks for the coffee.”. I walked out and got into my car. It was just coffee with some guy I wasn’t going to see again anyway but still I cried as I drove to work. Here I am newly divorced after nearly twenty years already facing the unknown world of modern dating which is nothing like it was the last time I did it. Now I have the added challenge of having a disease that most people don’t know a thing about. I want to go out and meet new people, I want to enjoy the life I have while I am still able. My MS doesn’t take away from who I am or my determination to live a full life. I know there are people out there that understand and are supportive, I am surrounded by them and so grateful to all of them. But I know there are guys like Trevor who fear what they don’t know. I just need to remind myself on this crazy ride to keep a thick skin. So at week seven I stand before you thick skinned, hopeful and determined. I have MS it doesn’t have me.

Week four~ Living with MS

I am heading into my fourth week of this “flare” of MS. Every day has had a new set of challenges that I have had to navigate around and deal with. Every day I remind myself it could be worse, I can do this but sometimes it’s hard. The hardest part of all of this is how many people look at me and just say “well you don’t look sick”. That is the funny thing about MS not everyone who has it has symptoms you can see all the time. You can’t see that I have limited sight in my left eye or that my hearing comes and goes in my right ear. You don’t see that I have difficulty swallowing but you may have noticed I have lost weight. You don’t see pain or the muscle spasms. You don’t see the depression or the insomnia. Add that to what you can see the tremors that have grown worse over this past week. The slurred speech and loss of muscle control on the left side of my face. Those things I don’t let you see because if you see it then it makes all this real. I smile so you don’t see that I just want to cry and ask why me? I don’t look sick because I can’t look sick to get through this. From the moment the doctor told me I had MS I knew no matter what happened no matter how bad I felt I would keep my head up because I know it could be worse and I am luckier than a lot of people with this disease. I may not be able to control what is happening to my body but I can control how I react to it. When my arms fail to hold me up in yoga last night, I did a run/walk on the treadmill. When I couldn’t hold my fork to eat eggs this morning, I made a sandwich. When I couldn’t shave my legs because of tremors I wore pants. I have quickly learned there is a solution for most problems I may encounter and I am becoming well aware there may be things I will need help overcoming. Like the loneliness. It is hard to go through something that many people in your life don’t understand and some haven’t taken the time to try to because I don’t look sick. It’s up to me to help them with that. No matter how bad things get I will remind myself, I have MS it doesn’t have me. I will get through the bad times and embrace the good with every ounce of being. That is how I choose to do this.