Day by Day

A year and two weeks ago I woke up ready to start my fortieth year. I was excited about this new adventure, feeling confident and hopeful for what that would bring. I have to say my fortieth year was pretty good. I got to spend it with my family, more time with my husband and met some really great people who introduced us to really great new experiences. I was embracing life in its fullest and I couldn’t have been happier. Funny how things can change in a year. I went to bed a week after my forty first birthday with a headache and woke up practically blind in my left eye. My first response was that my allergies which I had struggled with all this season decided that I just didn’t need to see that day. I blew it off and took my usual meds, tried some drops and went about my day. But as the day went on and the headache returned I felt something just wasn’t right. Okay I admit it I WebMD’d. I mean you wake up blind in one eye you are going to go a little crazy right especially when the vision didn’t come back the next day. I pretty much knew after I called the family doctor and she said to get into the optometrist that this was a little more than your typical issues. No signs pointed that allergies caused my issue. That night I got into see the eye doctor and that night I think I had my first real health scare that wasn’t caused by my children’s condition. Possible cause of blindness: Optic neuritis. Swelling around the optical nerve caused by the body attacking due to infection. Possible causes, MS. MRI required for confirmation of lesions, IV steroids should be considered. These were the words I read in the front seat of my car as I sat at Ossip that night. I called my family doctor who told me to come in a half hour before my appointment time to fill out paperwork. As soon as I walked into my doctor’s office the next day she was on the phone calling for a neurologist to see what they wanted to do. I was told to head to the ER and they were going to admit me and start testing. I think I lost four pounds in blood loss within the first hour there. Then I was strapped into the machine with a cage on my head and laid trying not to completely lose it alone in a big white tube. An hour and forty five minutes is a really long time to be trapped inside your own brain. The only thing I could think of was I cannot jump to conclusions. I cannot lose my composure. I cannot let whatever this is control me because it could be nothing. My focus is to heal and to see again and worry about everything else later. My MRI induced bravery waivered slightly when I saw my husband waiting in the ER, I cried and I am not ashamed of that fact. We waited for my MRI results and for me to be admitted upstairs to start treatment. The ER doctor said they found two spots on the MRI that could be lesions on the brain which could indicate MS but she, like me was focused on the optic neuritis. She said they would start me on IV steroids which meant a three day stay in the hospital. I would be visited regularly by the neurologist while I was there. The next morning I woke up and me being me I had thought my sight would start coming back. I mean they woke me up every six hours to give me medication, lack of sleep alone should mandate my body to heal quickly right? You just don’t get that lucky all the time. So after more medication, more blood work and an interesting interchange with the dementia patient next door the neurologist came in. He said that there were spots on the brain that could indicate MS but given my age and the vision being my only visible symptom, he wasn’t sure that that he would call it MS. BUT, and there is always a but, he said that it could be that the vision was the very first symptom in my case which means it was caught very early. He said we would see how my body reacted to the medications I was on and if we could get rid of the infection and swelling causing my blindness before moving on to anything else. I was in complete agreement. A week later I am back at work, still not able to see in my left eye hopped up on steroids and trying to focus on day by day. I have been avoiding looking at lists of symptoms or letting my family and friends do their own research. I know they all want to be helpful but I don’t want to be focused on a list. I am not a list and what is happening to me shouldn’t be defined as patient data or symptom searches on the internet. We all deal with things like this in our own way. I am dealing with it as a sarcastic one eye woman trying to find the positive. Some may think that is belittling the situation. Sorry if that offends but I refuse to lose myself in all of this. The support I have had in all this so far has been so overwhelming helpful I don’t think I could thank many of you enough. Just laughing with me and keeping my chin up means the world. I thank you and hope to give you some really good news at the end of all this.