Living with MS- Next steps

I was sitting in an interview yesterday and they asked me the typical questions and I gave the typical answers. Then they asked me where I saw myself in five years. In the midst of a really bad bout of my MS that question almost brought me to tears. I answered “Hopefully in my forever job succeeding” out of habit. What I really thought in that moment was “I have no idea where I will be in five years”. I know that I may be in a wheelchair at some point or using a walker. I try not to dwell on those things because I am not there yet but when asked that question at the moment when you feel your body so out of control those thoughts are quite vivid. Yesterday I had to change what I was wearing because I couldn’t fasten the button on my pants or my shirt. I had to write down every thought I had on post it notes and put them in my purse and stick them to my phone in case I forgot what I needed to do or words I needed for the interview. Last night I went home exhausted. I needed to exercise but I was too physically and mentally tired to do so. I made dinner cutting my fingers twice as I prepared it I was trying not to become to frustrated with my hands that haven’t worked well in three weeks. I ate, made a cup of tea then I sat. I refused to cry. But I did think about that question, where will I be in five years. I realized that I have to think about that. I have children and I have responsibilities. I want to live every day as they come but I am at the point where I need to plan for the what ifs. It is time to say, I have a disability and I need to plan but not be overcome with what could happen to me. I would hope in the next five years that I could find a treatment to help me or hell maybe there will be a cure for MS. That is my hope. The reality is treatments take time. There is no overnight fix for anything. Patience and planning is part of life and reminding myself every day to have a life. I can’t stop living because of this disease. That is the first rule of the living with MS club, don’t forget to live. But we sometimes have to focus on the unpleasant side of the disease and I am there now. But it is okay because it’s a part of this and you have to accept the bad with the good. I have always said and I will always say, it isn’t what happens to you in life it is how you chose to handle it that makes you who you are. I will take this next step in my journey with much research and thoughtfulness. I don’t want a quick fix, I want the right fit for me. So when I am asked again where I see myself in five years I will answer “Where I need to be”.

Twenty Eight Days of Change-Planning

After a week of focusing on the good the bad and the ugly of my life I took the past seven days to plan. I took all those post it notes that were things I need to keep up with and I put them together. The first thing I did was budgeted my time. Wait you didn’t do your financial budget first? NOPE. To me time is more important because the time you have or don’t have can cost you money. For me I have to work a day job to pay the bills and I have my craft business on the side and I am trying to start a consulting firm to replace my day job. I can’t afford to know budget my time. When I lose track of time I lose money, I lose momentum and I can’t have that. So I sat down and wrote out my day, my week, my month. I wrote down all the little things I had to do, that I wanted to do and things I really shouldn’t be doing. Then I looked at how I could do them smarter. Instead of going to the grocery store every night. I started to use the shop and click options at stores. Some you pay for but it was worth it as I saved time. I am making a chore list for the girl child, so I don’t have to clean up her messes. I looked at commuting options so that instead of driving every day I can ride and craft, see where I am going with this? Once I had my time budgeted I could do my financial budget. It was actually scary given I am making almost half of what I was once was. But I crunched the numbers and I got everything to work out. No more lattes and fancy cheese for a while but it will all be worth it to reach my goals. I even budgeted my goals. Just like when you are on a diet you break that down in smaller increments so you feel successful with every step. I did this with my goals in post it notes of course. Yes one does say “buy fancy cheese again” but that is what goals are for right?

28 Days of Change- Focus

About three days into this twenty-eight-day adventure some things happened in my world that were rather unexpected. I didn’t want to stop what I was doing I just had to take a new approach on it. So I took five days to focus. Luckily the assignment I am currently working I have more than a little free time to take think time. Not everyone has that luxury and honestly I wish I didn’t right now but I am grateful for it. The first thing I needed to focus on was my situation and what were all the things I could do right now to keep me from freaking out about it. So I took a five mile walk and thought about what little good panicking was going to do me. And then I thought about options and solutions. And when I got home I wrote down my thoughts and made a to do list but made sure it wasn’t one list it was broken into smaller “doable” lists. So I used a stack of post it notes and put five items from my master list on each post it and enough room for notes if I needed to take further action on each task. I was able to complete fifteen tasks in my pj’s on a Monday evening and it lifted about twenty-five pounds off my shoulders. The next day I took care of a few more items and some had follow up steps so I moved those aside and pushed on and created a few more post it notes for other items I needed to focus on when I got to a point I could do that. I am now focusing on what I want to be when I grow up. I am thankful for the time at temp assignments because I am getting a feel for different office environments and looking at my skill set and what I have to offer and what I need to work on. I have applied for and interviewed for a few jobs I would have loved to have but didn’t but I was able to start to see why I didn’t get them. It’s so easy just to apply for every job out of desperation without actually looking at the job description and looking into the company. So I made some more lists. What do I want to do, what am I able to do, what are my strengths and weakness since that seems to be in every interview, and what atmosphere do I want to work in? I read a job description today where I had 90% of what they wanted but the 10% I didn’t wasn’t kind of key to what they were looking. I asked myself is this something I could learn and wanted to learn and express that to them in a cover letter? Once I did more research on the company I realized that it wasn’t really a place I would want to take money to learn that skill for. Did she just say that in her situation? Yes, yes I did. Again it goes back to applying for everything out of desperation. And it comes back down to focus. As I am closing down on my five days of focus I do feel more grounded and although I still have a lot of major work to do on my to do lists I think I have a good plan moving forward. And on another note seven days into this I have lost 3 lbs and cut down on my cheese intake. The dairy industry may take a hit this twenty-eight days. But 3M stock will be up from all the Post It Notes.

28 Days of Change

So far this year isn’t turning out the way I planned. When I left my job in October I had all these big ideas of what I was going to do and how things were going to be then I fell flat on my face. I have reached the panic point and caught myself making some not so good decisions. That is no way to live I can tell you that. So I decided it was time to start a mental detox if you will. Starting on February 1st I am going to focus on changing my situation and regaining some control over my life. I am starting with something I do have control over my health and well being. I have always said and truly believe if you take good care of yourself by eating well and exercising you can find so much focus.I have some of my best ideas on the dreadmill or taking a walk outside. I actually had to start carrying a small notebook with me to write things down. My MS brain doesn’t always allow me to remember long term. So goal one for the month of February is self health which will lead to goal two which is focus. I need to focus on what my wants and needs are. Putting my love of cheese and tater tots aside, I am talking about tangible wants and needs not edible. What do I want out of life? I want to make my business successful. I have just gone about it in the wrong way. My game plan was very flawed but I have been taking time while unemployed to educate myself by looking at successful small business owners and entrepreneurs. I am attending a work at home summit that I have to tell you has opened my eyes in so many ways. I filled an entire notebook in a day and a half. I still have four more days to go better get more notebooks. But I now know that my wants have to take care of my needs. I may want to be a business owner but can I afford that the way I want to do it? In this month I need to look at the how. How to make the want meet my needs. I realized when I left my actual job and started working temp assignments that I can no longer work in a regular office environment. It isn’t that I don’t want to it is that my body will no longer let me. As much as I hate to admit that my MS has reached that point it has. These temp assignments have been good as I have been able to have a break between assignments but the breaks mean no paychecks. That isn’t good. And that is why I am in a panic now. So I need to look at goal three which is a back up plan. Hmm can I get all this covered in 28 days? You betcha. It takes 28 days to make or break a habit. I don’t have any notions that in 28 days I will have all the answers but I will have a plan, a plan for change which I will take with me for the next twenty eights days and the twenty eight days after that until its time to revisit that plan.

The little things

At forty five I never thought in a two year period I would be divorced, diagnosed with MS and now for the most part unemployed and my former mister has put us in a financial pickle. And despite all this I am still happier then I have been in so long. Because I know things will work out the way they were meant to be and my life is mine. I have never been a things person I have always been an experience person. And in this past two years I have experienced things both good and bad that have helped me to grow as a person and realize what is truly important. Good experiences cause memories, memories don’t need batteries nor do they need to be upgraded with a new model. I would much rather have that then things. Not to say I don’t like a nice pair of shoes now and then, come on! But the endless memories of things I’ve done, seen etc. will always trump things. As 2017 thankfully leaves us I will go into 2018 in pursuit of as many experiences as the year brings.

No safety net required

The first thing I learned after I was diagnosed with MS was to live without a net. This week I put in my notice at work. No I don’t have another job lined up, I didn’t really have a plan but I knew it was the best thing for me. I had writer the letter the month before was asked to hold off until after my anniversary and eval. It was clear that the decision made a month before to make a new start was the right one. I updated the letter and turned it in ending my time here in four weeks. My manager asked me if I had something else lined up. I said no. He asked me if I was sure I wanted to do this given I didn’t have anything lined up then said he’d give me until Friday to make up my mind. By Wednesday night I started my next steps in my head. I wasn’t going to change my mind. As scary as the idea of potentially being unemployed is I have never felt so good about a decision I have made. I want to be my own boss. I have run my craft business on a small scale for five years. I think I can take it to the next level. I also have twenty five years of administrative experience which I would love to share, IE starting an administrative consulting firm. I can work anywhere to make money but I don’t just want to work to make money. The second thing I have learned since I was diagnosed with MS is that life is too short just to be a passenger you have to be the driver to actually live. So live I will. I am not saying the next few months will be easy but they will only be hard if I don’t stay focused. I am lucky because I have people in my world that will help me with guidance in areas I am unfamiliar with. I have a great network that I can look to for my craft business and admin business. I am excited to see where I can take this. I feel great about it. And hey if it doesn’t work I already know how to ask “would you like fries with that?” Here is to the next chapter hoping it is a long productive one.

One Year Living with MS

A year ago tomorrow my life was forever changed. I spent a day with a twelve inch needle being put into my spine and was put into an MRI for nearly 3 1 /2 hours. I had every blood test known to man just to be told something I already knew. But the words from the doctor’s mouth no matter how expected they were a blow I wasn’t ready for. I have shared my story over the past year and I have gotten strength from sharing. I have received strength from the continuous support of family, friends and acquaintances. I have had some rough patches here and there but nothing that I haven’t been able to overcome because I know I have so much to be grateful and one bad day won’t break me. As I go into the one year marker of my MS diagnosis I am facing new physical challenges. I am coming to the point that I will need to make a few really big life decisions. It wasn’t what I was expecting but life is full of surprises whether you want them or not. But I know what ever happens I will be okay. It will be different and probably difficult but easy is boring right? While my hands will let me type I will continue to share this journey I am forever grateful for those who are on it with me.