My tale of the cart boy, an Ode to Ray

I made a wager with my friend Ray to write a diddy about “What Ray doesn’t know about women”. The truth is Ray knows quite a great deal about women and is a prince among his sex. The irony was the day this wager was made I had a run in with a cart boy that made me realize some men really don’t know a damn thing about women at all.

There I was at Meijers picking up some items needed for the evening. I pushed my cart to my car and began to load my items into the trunk when I felt someone beside me. He was a young man maybe early 20’s based on the bar stamps on his hands with Justin Bieber hair, acne and oh so attractive safety orange vest. It wasn’t until that moment when pointed at my mouth and gave me a devious little smile that I realized I had been holding my key fob between my lips as I loaded the car. As I removed the key the cart boy began to speak:

“You shouldn’t put things like that in a mouth like yours. I could give you a few lessons of what you could do with that mouth. You might like them better.”

I don’t shock easily but this took me by surprise. There I am looking into the face of a boy I could have mothered and he said something like that to me while in his work uniform in the parking lot of a grocery store at 5 PM in the evening.

At this point my mind is spinning. I could hit him I was justified. I could go in and tell his boss and get his ass fired. I could just drive away. But no, being me I spoke without really thinking at all.

“What the F***. Do you know what I would do to your mouth little man? Wash it out with soap. Take your damn cart and get out of here.” I pushed the cart towards his crotch and then there was more use of the F word as I got into my car and forced myself not to run him over as I left.

I wonder if men every really think about what comes out of their mouths when they speak to women. What would make you think it was okay to tell a woman what you were going to do with her mouth before you actually knew if she was into that sort of thing. And really, what the hell would you want with a woman who actually liked that sort of thing when you first meet?

This whole experience took me back to when I was in college and this horrible cheesy asshole used to hit on every woman in the bar hoping someone was stupid enough to fall for his lines. When it was my turn he came up to me and said:

“You know I am studying life guarding right now. I could show you my mouth to mouth skills”  

Call me old fashion but I would like to be told I have a nice smile rather then I have a mouth for porn. Gents choose your words carefully not everything that sounds clever in your head should escape your tongue. If you don’t want a cart in the crotch, you may want to watch your mouth.